Change is Coming
Here we are more than a year later on the precipice of opening up. Can this finally be happening? I stopped waiting back in the fall when we were also on that same precipice and it didn’t happen. It’s been a long year, a year of getting used to doing less and being home(a lot.) I have taught hundreds of zoom classes and there is this beautiful little community that has gotten used to coming together on our screens. We breathe, we move and then we do it all over again. Many of you have heard me say that this practice has sustained me during this past year. The fear, the uncertainty, the complete upheaval of life as I knew it has been so much to process whereas the simplicity of getting back on my mat each day, week, month has been a comfort. A way for me and for us to ‘touch base’ and say here I am, I am still here. One step at a time. Simplifying life to breathing and moving while the world swirls around us.
So what happens now? There are shifts happening. Yoga studios are opening and planning to open each in their own time. I am so ready for this and yet...am I? Change is difficult. I’ve gotten used to what life is, I’ve been sheltering in place, holding tight and even if I miss the way life was I realize there is no going back. I am moving forward not back so a new path must be paved. NEW! This is the scary part for me.
As a little girl I was the child standing at the edge of the pool thinking and thinking before jumping in. Did I want to dive head first? Feet first? Would the water be shockingly cold? What if I did a belly flop when I dived in? Maybe I should just get in slowly? Was it even warm enough to get in the water? Did I really want to wet my hair today? If I wet my hair would it look funny? Maybe my swimsuit was see through? So many decisions for an indecisive little girl. Even now as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I am questioning what to do. Feet first or dive in? Slowly or all at once? This path or that one?
I don’t like change, it ruffles my feathers. I crave a schedule, knowing what’s next, steadiness. Yes, the word steadiness is a good one for me. Change makes me uncomfortable, it makes me want to retreat, retreat to what I am used to. So part of me wants to retreat, keep Zooming with everyone. I know this about myself and so when I feel this fear rising up in me when I recognize that little girl at the edge of the pool I don’t back away. Even if I am uncomfortable with change I take that step forward, around, over, under. I find a way.
Self study(svadhyaya) is a part of yoga that deeply resonates with me. I am not a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person. I appreciate and marvel at people who are and at the same time I recognize and appreciate who I am. I watch, I observe, I weigh options, I simmer, I back up, I move forward, I back up again, I look in all directions, I reevaluate and then...I start over. All the while I am making decisions, little teeny, tiny decisions, little steps, small jumps.
This is also the way I teach. For the last month we have been focusing on words like gentle, kind, steadiness and ease. How do we make a vinyasa practice a practice of being gentle, kind and easy with ourselves? We slowly build the practice piece by piece. Sometimes we back up, sometimes we go around, sometimes we move forward. We do it all with steadiness and ease. Let go of the push, the feeling that we have to do something, that we have to get somewhere. Each part of the practice is equal from beginning to end. Self study(svadhyaya) on the mat. It’s beautiful and practicing on the mat helps me to practice off the mat as well.
So things are opening up. I am excited, I am afraid. I am making decisions. Moving forward, back, pausing, beginning again, dipping my toes in. I am feeling my discomfort rising up in my belly, in my chest, in my throat. I am finding steadiness in my practice. Breathing and moving. Simple and profound. Change is coming.
