Say Yes

When I was in high school my choir director, a grumpy, music obsessed, tantrum throwing teacher took an interest in me. I was a real mess when I was fourteen(as many fourteen year olds are.) Mr. Maxson decided the quiet little girl that sat in the corner trying not to be seen had a good voice. I was new to the school and was quite intimidated by the girls in the choir and the show choir(think Glee). They would put a finger over one of their ears so they could hear themselves as they sang, they read music, they harmonized together, several had perfect pitch. I knew nothing about music, I hadn’t wanted to join the choir but we moved and registered late and my counselor said I had no choice. I could not read music but my terror at not picking up the alto part quickly enough to avoid the wrath of Mr. Maxson made me learn quickly or at least fake it until I did figure it out.

This teacher more than any other changed my life. In between his rants he would look at me and smile, speak gently and encourage me. I began to believe I had a good voice or at least potential to have a good voice so much that in the spring when there were tryouts for the show choir I signed up. I remember the two songs I thought about singing were Edelweiss and Que Sera, Sera. I chose Que Sera Sera by Doris Day. The day of tryouts came around and I felt sick and so, so scared but when it was my turn I got up and sang. Every part of me was shaking and I could barely get the words out of my mouth. I’m not sure anyone could even hear me. When it was over all I remember is being relieved and so ashamed of my performance or lack of performance. I wanted to crawl under my covers and never see anyone, especially my choir director. Of course I did go back to school and had to endure the embarrassment of seeing everyone who had witnessed my humiliating performance. Mr. Maxson had a great time teasing me about how he couldn’t really hear me and wiggled one eyebrow to show how I had one twitching eyebrow during my performance. I truly felt like vomiting every time I thought about it and for years hated the song Que sera sera. Hearing the song would bring back all the memories of my humiliation. 

It sounds like a terrible story and really it was....but the next thing that happened was not terrible. I made the girls show choir group. Mr. Maxson believed in me, my voice, my potential and he took a chance on me. I don’t think I disappointed him. In the Fall I was a part of New Spirit the all girls show choir and not only did I have to learn the alto part in many songs but I had to learn choreography(which of course I also knew nothing about,) then sing and dance at the same time! I did it though and in the spring there were tryouts again for the Chanteurs(the coveted coed show choir) By this time I had gained some confidence and although the tryouts were still terrifying I sang and Mr. Maxson and everyone else in the room could hear me(my eye brow still twitching.) My senior year of high school I was in the prestigious Chanteurs singing and dancing with some pretty awkward boys, in my satin sequin trimmed dress with character shoes. I sang solos and believed what my choir director saw in me.

I think we all want to feel seen. I needed someone to believe in me at that time in my life. As much as I give credit to my choir director I also recognize that I took a huge chance to even try out. I saw that someone believed in me and instead of hiding and shying away from being vulnerable I stepped forward and said yes. Here I am world! This is me, twitching eyebrow, shaky, quiet voice, wanting to run out of the room but holding my ground. 

There is a natural ebb and flow to life. Times that we back off, sit back or even possibly hide. Then we come back, take on more, challenge ourselves. When I moved to the Bay Area over 7 years ago I was full to overflowing. I had said yes and yes and yes. I had to put the brakes on, switch to reverse, hide and protect myself. There was so much for a long time and even hiding I couldn’t get away from it. Do you ever feel that way?

Recently I’ve felt like I am ready, finally. I have been stepping up and saying yes. I prefer not to be in the spotlight most of the time. I don’t want to expose myself to feeling vulnerable but lately I’ve been presented with different opportunities. My instinct is to ignore, avoid, or wait long enough to respond that it’s too late anyway. This is the way I protect myself. So I’m trying to channel the sixteen year old me that sang a solo, holding a mic and convincing people she knew what she was doing. I am once again saying, Hello world, here I am, this is me. I don’t think my eyebrow twitches anymore but you can tell me if it does.

A few blog posts back I wrote, Do less, Not more. It may sound contradictory, first I say do less and now it’s, say yes? Well yes ..I think that is what I am saying. What I have found for myself is that as I let go of the do, do, do mentality I am left with more clarity to actually say yes to what is left, which is the important stuff. If we’re constantly saying yes to almost everything it seems random and mechanical. Once we start to learn the art of filtering, the important stuff shines through. The stuff that feeds our soul..

So,

In conclusion

Do less, not more

Then sit back

Enjoy the clarity and

Maybe

Just maybe

Say yes