The Year I Found my Voice…again
Strangely enough 2020 was the year I found my voice…again. Over the years so gradually it is imperceptible I just sort of let myself get buried under the weight and seriousness of life. The weight of trying to be perfect at everything and failing. I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been hiding. I don’t really think I deliberately went about doing this. I didn’t make a conscious decision, it just happened. I got buried layer by layer and my light has been a little dimmer.
It’s strange that this year that has been filled with so much sheltering in place has been an opportunity for me to wake up, to remember what makes my light shine brightly and not be afraid to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. Being at home day in and day out did not make me feel depressed. There have certainly been difficult days and so much uncertainty but in truth I like being at home. I’m an introvert and while I do love being with people I am very comfortable at home, reading, writing, listening to music, finding inspiration.
As time went on and things got worse with the pandemic and not better my attitude started to shift. I stopped waiting and looking ahead. Remember my blog post, Stop Waiting? Yep, that's when things shifted for me. Teaching and practicing at home has brought yoga up close and personal to everyone in my home. My husband, my children, my dad, my dogs. It is no longer just something I do on my own. My family hears my OM, they hear my voice guiding class through asana, sharing my thoughts, inspirations, quotes, poems and a lot of talk about breathing. I have been sharing this practice with them. Sometimes my husband or one of my children will practice with me but most of the time it's just me and it still feels like there is a hum, a vibration, an energy that is filling our home. Does this sound crazy? Maybe.
I have allowed them to see my light, not just hiding behind being mom, wife, daughter. I have always been the same person and at the same time I also feel that I have kept myself partly hidden. Now you see me, now you don’t. Is it a form of self protection? I think so. If no one truly knows me then I can’t be hurt, right? I can’t fail if no one knows what is important to me, what my greatest wishes and dreams are. That deepest part of me that wants to stay hidden and protected has emerged during this time.
Some of you have heard me mention my grand adventure of learning how to play the ukulele and maybe you watched the video above. Shortly before I turned fifty in November I borrowed my dad's ukulele and started to teach myself. My son Diego who just turned eighteen in October started to learn with me. He picked it up quite fast. I was impressed and overwhelmed. He was mastering strumming patterns and easily moving his fingers from one chord to another. Luckily he decided to move onto the guitar so I didn’t have to compare myself to him for long. We both have been practicing every day, him the guitar and me the ukulele. The ukulele is the first instrument I’ve ever played. I am in way over my head. It has been challenging and SO much fun! Oh my goodness how do I stretch my fingers and press down at the same time AND make it sound good? Some days I just have to put the ukulele down and walk away but I keep coming back.
I am practicing and not only that but I started to sing again. I haven’t sung since high school and since you know I’m fifty you know that was a very LONG time ago. The only singing I have done is chanting OM at the beginning and end of every class for the last seventeen years. All those years ago I found my voice in high school(you can read about that in my October blog) then I tucked it away and these past several months of singing again have been so, so.… therapeutic. Yes, singing is therapeutic. Singing daily is incredible. At first my voice was hardly recognizable. I would screech out any high notes but it didn’t matter because it felt so good to finally hear my voice and let my voice be heard.
The last several months I have been singing I realized my children didn’t even know this was something I love to do. It’s so important for my children to see me try something like playing the ukulele, singing, hearing me struggling, failing, continuing. The small victories of learning to play the very easiest songs, of learning the easiest chords then trying to remember where to place my fingers and not take too long to find the next chord. My old brain working overtime to try to do something I thought was too late to learn. If I am willing to try and fail maybe they will also be willing to put themselves out there, to try and fail, to not be perfect, to practice and practice.
About a month after I started learning to play I brought out the ukulele and three of my children were in the room and my daughter Luna started to sing along with me to ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ by John Denver(I know it’s a corny song but it's pretty easy to play and fun to sing too!) Then my son Diego joined in and it was pure joy. I am a child again, laughing at myself and having so much fun. All of this happened this year, the year we stayed inside, sheltered in place, the year I found my voice...again.
